Seen one, seen ’em all – tourist activities you only do once

Here’s the definitive list of tourist locations you only need to do once. 

Caves

Seen one cave seen them all. I dunno, is it the stalactite holding on tight jokes that tour guides learn in cave guiding school. Is it the fear you’ll be sucked into a black hole if you step on a puddle, or the unnerving, brain sucking silence? Or is just that all caves look the same? Jenolan, Wellington,  Wombeyan, they’re all like ground hog day to me.

Treetop Walks

Take any stretch of pristine coastline, old growth forest, whack in a treetop walk, throw in a café and a shop that sells  old growth vases and hey, you have an award-winning tourist attraction. The trouble is – they’re boring. Sorry, but once you’ve climbed the stainless steel stairs and been tickled by overhanging branches and read the signs telling you about the lifespan of a blackwood spore or the importance of the red sprogged frog, your work is done. 

I know it brings tourist $$$ to small towns, but honestly, we came out of the trees, do we really need to go back? I mean we’re trying to evolve here!  But try telling that to Tourism Australia.

Fireworks

With the possible exception of the Eiffel Tower it doesn’t matter much where you are in the world – standing round in the dark looking at those hallucinatory coloured bathbombs in the sky is pretty much the same anywhere. There’s only so many exploding stars I can look at before I start to think about how much parking is costing me. Sure, they can jazz it up with a Mozart soundtrack, but it still sounds like a soundtrack of giant farts. I’d rather spend a night on the couch. 

Farmers Markets

Yes, I know foodies will lick their saltbush lips and gird their locovore loins, but when it comes down to it, they are all the same. They’re in a field or church or community centre grounds. have Thai sweet chilli sauce, Rotarians dolling out sausage sizzle buns. There’s a hand-made soap lady looking wistful, a somewhat dishy cheese purveyor and a man in a cowboy vest selling eucalyptus natural deodorant. Am I right? Sure, you pick up some interesting stuff (at a price), but really – most of it is in Woollies online

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