Mate, I know I supported the other team, but I can change sides. But I can assure you I have the nation’s interests at heart, so here are a few thoughts on what you can do for Far North Queensland.
Some of these ideas are top secret, so keep them under your hat. I know I did. Don’t share them with that Bob Brown, I know he fancies me and I want to make it quite clear it can never happen. At least not in my electorate. So, here they are:
- Since we’re on the subject of Bob Brown, I’m not happy what Coles and Woolworths have on the shelves. I walked down the aisle of Cloncurry Woolworths and what did I see but chickpeas and chai tea. I mean, come on, what do they think Far North Queensland is – Woodstock. Can you smash Coles and Woolworths, send them to hell and then get them to take this hippy shit off the shelves by the weekend.
- Climate change – the only climate that is changing is the dual control in the front seat of my 4wd hummer I use for bilbi shooting expeditions. Tony Abbott quoted me correctly when he said climate change is crap, but I go further. It’s absolute crap. Don’t let those goons in the Greens convince you otherwise. Bob Brown is gay.
- I’ve noticed Jules that you do like your pantsuit. Now I don’t normally comment on a sheila’s outfit, but the pantsuit is a step too far. The top dog – now don’ take this the wrong way – should be wearing something you could walk down the main street of Cloncurry in, a fetching camo twin set perhaps?
- Which brings me to bananas. Now this is serious. I get around four phone calls a week from distressed bananas, bananacide is rampant throughout FNQ and no government has ever done anything. It’s about survival of the banana. I mean we’re the ones who have to end up eating em. Please explain.
So Jules, these are my ideas for a stable government. Let’s meet next week and discuss. I’ll bring the banana cake. I’ve been trying a few different icing recipes, I think the lemon rind works a treat. Don’t invite Bob Brown.
Bobkat B.O (Bachelor of Oneology); M.U.T. FNQ (Member of University of Technology FNQ)