We have been sent a secret tape exposing Tony Abbott’s call to Mark Scott, Managing Director of the ABC, on Kerry O’Brien’s Replacement.
Tony: Mate, Tony here.
Mark Scott: Hello Tony.
Tony: Look mate, just wanted to give you some advice on who to replace Red Kerry.
Mark Scott: Well, thank you for your interest but we have a recruitment process in place.
Tony: Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard about such words. But they’re just what’s written down. Let me give you some names.
Mark Scott: That’s not how it works Tony.
Tony: People keep saying that, but um, ah, see the only people you can really trust are those carefully scripted ones. I’m thinking perhaps Julie Bishop.
Mark Scott: She already has a job Tony.
Tony: Oh yeah, I forgot she’s still here. Turnbull.
Brian Johns: Already got a job.
Tony: Yeah, but that’s not how the Liberal Party works. John Howard always taught me it’s better to have these processes carefully scripted with the end in mind, and an end for Malcolm Turnbull would be good.
Mark Scott: We can’t show Malcolm Turnball’s end on TV.
Tony: Huh? Oh yeah, his end is still scarred from my sound bite marks on it. Um, what about Piers Akerman. I know he doesn’t have a face for TV, but a little nip, tuck and Bob’s your ankle.
Mark Scott: Already got a job. Besides we don’t employ body parts.
Tony: But I’m leader of the next baton change government. Come on, give me a chance, I won’t go to bed at all tonight just to prove how much I want it. I’ll even jog to your house just to prove how much it means to me. Aw come on.
Mark Scott: Tony you know it doesn’t work like that. We have a recruitment process in place. We’re looking for informed, hardhitting journalists with years of experience to bring politicians to account.
Tony: OK, I getcha. Kerrie-Anne. I can work with her, I know she’s got the hots for Peter Costello, dancing the tango on national tv, I mean come on. I never understood what she saw in that snivelly little crybaby. But I can impress her with my own special dance of the spangled smugglers.
Sometime in 2011 …
Maxime McKew: Hello and welcome to the program. Now to my first guest, Tony Abbott, Leader of the Opposition. Remember in 2010 you called me a pantsuit pinko, wet, washed-up Labor stooge faceless frauline?
Tony: um, ah, you know … you can only trust those carefully scripted prepared …
Maxime: (Barking orders)
Cameras: Fire! Fire! Aim for the mouth.