Nigelissima and her faux friends

I like Nigella really I do. I like her food, she’s got a schick that no one else can emulate and there’s nothing else on the tube anyway.

But I don’t like the crowd she’s hanging with. Who are these false friends, this rent-a-crowd gang? I don’t like them pretending to eat and making posho conversation and slow burn shots of their lip enhancement and I’m-too-sexy-for-my-hair, hair.

It makes the whole program look, kind of like a bad soapie, where everyone stands around with a bad script, grateful to have a tiny shot at the bigtime.

And while we’re at it, I don’t like it when Nigella pretends she’s just got home at midnight and is whipping up some scrambled eggs. In her evening gown. I like it as a comedy skit. I just don’t like it in a foodie program.

Nigellissima. Really, you are enough as it is. Ditch the rent-a-crowd and get back in the kitchen.

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Jamie’s 50 minute meals

Jamie is Mr Everywhere. Even Lucy Turnball has got the hob on and is whacking out Jamie’s 30 Minute Meals.

Is there anywhere in this great, wide, brown and partially burnt land that does not have a 30 or 15 Minute Meal Book lurking on the kitchen faux marble bench?

Everyone it seems is whazzing it up, pimping up salads and spanking some bad boy asparagus. If you don’t believe me, watch a Jamie episode! There’s pimping, whazzing and spanking all over the shop. Nigella eat your heart out!

I am happy to report that I’ve got the 15 minute meals down to under 50 minutes. A miracle!

Once you take into account shopping and washing up, Jamie’s 15 minutes could take half the week. Sometimes it can take half the week to decide what to cook.

But despite this, Jamie is doing his bit for the world, well at least the first world.

His meals have loads of vegies – sometimes up to ten – and, once you’ve learned to spank those bad boy asparagi, then the actual cooking is short, probably only 15 minutes.

He has a blokey, knockabout appeal and might just tempt some people into the kitchen. Who wouldn’t want to pimp up a salad on a Monday night?